Grace, week 2

I just screwed up. Big, ugly screwed up.

Wrote words that I meant to write to one person to another, showed my big, nasty, ungraceful side of myself.

All I can do now is ask forgiveness, and not beat myself up for having made the mistake.

But it’s not easy.

And it doesn’t feel good.

Growing is hard.

One Little Word?

I’ve had to rewrite this first line three times.

First, I started with a little self-deprecating humor about the last time I posted – in March.

Then, I started by complaining that my fingers were sore from typing even this one line.

My next try apologized for not knowing precisely how to do One Little Word, having never done it before.

So, in light of my One Little Word, I’m starting again, starting differently, which is I suppose what this whole business is all about. It’s not a word I’ve been mulling over for months, or even weeks or days. This morning I woke up and said, yes, it’s Tuesday, time to write. And when I saw all these inspiring little entries I wanted to play, too.

Funny, the word was there waiting. It’s a word I’ve been thinking about without knowing why for the past month, full of parties, and travel, and breaks, and family, and hard work, and friends, and obligations, and wants.

My word is GRACE. Not so much the religious kind, although I hope to reconnect with a spiritual community soon (but, grace for myself if I don’t). Not the physical kind, either (and, again, grace for myself as I careen from bruise to bruise.)

Instead, my focus is:

GRACE for myself, as I push myself to make more mistakes in the service of growth. As I learn that I am the best mother, coach, wife, friend, person I can be right now, rather than dwell on all that I wish I could do better.

GRACE for my family, as my boys do all the things that drive me crazy but help them learn, despite the purple fingerprints on the walls and the Cheerios shellacked to the table. As my husband faces so many of the same pressures I do, and some I can no better imagine than he can imagine mine.

GRACE for my colleagues, as we struggle together to make sense of an ever-shifting set of needs, priorities, wants, and dreams. As we struggle individually to make our own values and purposes alive in our own lives.

GRACE for my friends, as we move apart and come together and learn each other in new roles and with less time than we’d like to get to know each other again.

GRACE for the strangers I meet, who all have their own pressures, and challenges, and little words that I can’t possibly know.

Looking forward to a gentler, more positive year as I strive to keep my heart free from the judgments and hostilities that have weighed me down in the past.